On the Question of Faith

At one point in our lives, I believe that we all have our struggles with things of faith. We might know that faith is the believe in things that are not seen, but faith i also something you develop until it becomes a knowledge, in my humble opinion. Until one knows, he can only rely on faith. I don't question people's knowledge, I only feel happy that they have their knowledge of their belief laid out for them.

As far as I'm concerned, I have a hard time with absolutes and always have. I truly feel like there are absolutes, but that we are too limited in scope or understanding to comprehend them. However, I believe that an imperfect path can still lead you to the perfection of an absolute.

I've been in many situations where I had to question my faith and my beliefs. I actually do it all the time. To me, it is one of the many paths to humility: acknowledging that you don't know it all, that you are always subject to improvement, and that you could be wrong. As I question my beliefs, I try to define my faith as one of experience. I try to apply the principle of: do what you need to do according to the Gospel and see and contemplate your testimony building and growing from it. While I might always question if what I believe is true, I will never question my free agency to chose to stay or to leave the path that I have so far chosen.

So while I'm here walking an imperfect walk, I try to do the best I can with what I have and the relative knowledge that I have acquired. While I might never have a perfect knowledge (this is how I feel know... maybe at one point I knew, but I just can't remember) of whether the path I'm walking is the ONLY one true one, I know that it is the best that I have found so far. I have seen too many people wander in darkness...

While this constant reevaluation of my faith is nothing new to me, I have found interesting to observe this questioning in a growing number of young people around me, regardless of their faith. And I think it's a good thing. Different stages, different priorities, one goal: making sure that the path to God that we have chosen is a right one, if the not THE right one.

Being blessed in spite of yourself...

God and I have had an interesting relationship lately. I think He knows I'm about to go over the edge in so many ways, so he is cutting me some loose... He is blessing me beyond measures and I can't understand why. It seems to me that out of all the times to deserve blessing, I'm not on top of my game right now.
But I guess the Lord might want to remind me that He is always there and that He's waiting for me to open the door. Maybe He wants to make sure that I don't forget Him. Yesterday, He reminded me of His existence, not by chastising me, but by given me one of the greatest blessings in a long time... And they keep on coming... How can I but not turn to him in grace and ask for his Mercy on me.
I guess, I am being blessed in spite of myself and my SO many shortcomings.

Thankful

As the Thanksgiving Holiday is coming to an end, I would like to express my gratitude for all the things I have.

I first and foremost, would like to thank God for His patience towards me. I'm not going to lie, I mess up all the time. But every time I do, the Lord shows me that He trusts in my ability to find the right path again. He might shake His head thinking: "Here she goes again, child." But He is always ready to take me back into His fold. God, thank You for Your love for me. Thank You for blessing me daily, granting me with life and daily bread.

Then, I am forever thankful for my family, the most important people in my life. I am thankful for the love and the support they have shown me throughout my life. I am grateful for a father who has taught me to think for myself and to ask myself the right questions. I am grateful for a mother who has always put God at the center of everything she does. I am grateful for brothers and a sister who have been able to follow the example I have tried to be and for being even better than I was. But I am also grateful for their wisdom in avoiding the mistakes that I have made in my life.

I am thankful for the wonderful friends that I have made throughout my life. It very rare to be able to find people with pure hearts and noble and genuine intentions. It is very rare to find people whom you learn to love as members of your own family. I have fortunate to have found some of these people early on in my life. I know that it will make my journey through life so much more meaningful.

Finally, I am grateful for all the things which didn't work out this past year, and there are many. Because of all those unfortunate experiences, I am where I am today, and there is nowhere else I would have better loved to be, with the people I am with.

The Things We Do...

I don't really know why we do the things we do, or we say the things we say. What I know though, is that things happen for a reason. I'm not saying that I always know why certain things happen. I fact, most of the time, I am kept in the dark when it comes to the reasons why trials come my way.

However, sometimes, as I undertake the journey of my life, there comes a time, sometimes a fraction of a second, when an event occurs. It can be the tears of a friend or the conclusion of a chapter of my life. It can be the wise advise of my mother or the distress of a stranger? It can be the sight of a lilac tree or the sound of my favorite song. Something happens, and by some kind of mystical power, I am brought back to a crossroad I was faced with years or months before. I am recalled the decision made, the hardness of the decision process, and sometimes the pain of enduring the consequences. But at that same moment, in my actual present, the hard past is brought back with peace.

That's when the epiphany hits! That's when I understand the why of what I did! That's when the pain, the frustration, and the discouragement of a past that seems so distant, but so real at the same time, all make sense and fall perfectly into my present reality.

I don't always know why I do the things I do, but I know that as long as I am guided by the Right Power, the Power which leads the pilgrim on his quest to perfection, I will continue to have those epiphanies of why I did the things I did: some of the best moments of my life.

Alone at my wedding...

A few nights I had a dream... It was one of the weirdest dreams I've had in a long time. I think it was the lack of sleep or something. I think I've been a little to stressed out about school, work, and all that jazz. Oh, and I think it might the fact that for the first time since September 1999, I've been single for over five months... I know it sounds stupid, but it's a big deal to me. I still haven't figured out how to live my life that way I guess. Or maybe it is the euphoria of this newfound freedom.

So a few nights ago, I had a dream that I was getting married. That's not the weird part. Hold on. The weird part was that the guy I intended to marry had no clue that we were getting married. How can I explain this?... I had sent invitations all over the place, my mom and I were preparing the whole thing, my dad was spending all this money on the dress, reception hall, and you name it, but I had purposely decided to leave the guy (I have no clue who he was) in the dark. In fact, I think the guy and I had never talked about getting married at all...

Bottom line is that on my wedding day, I got stood up at the altar, but I wasn't surprised about it. My parents were blue in the face and they wanted to kill the boy. My friends and all the guests we feeling sorry for me. I was all dressed up in my beautiful white dress, kind of looking stupid saying: "Well, I guess he just changed his mind."

That was weird...

Starving Bohemians

It's been a minute since I've written anything. But believe me, it's not because my life has been uneventful. I just figure that most of you are tired of reading my stuff... Well, no, because really, you don't have to read. But it's been a while because I've been putting order into my life... No, not really. I really wish I had a descent excuse, but I don't. There!

Well there are two things I would like to talk to you about today. I'll try my best to keep it short, but I will not promise, because you know me... it's never short.

I would like talk to you about my roommate. Her name is Jean and she is the best roommate I could have had here. She is from Kenya, but for some reason, she has some kind of Jamaican accent. She did her undergrad in computer science, but she is now doing her MA in Diplomacy, just like me. Go figure. She is sweat, social, and funny. You know, the complete opposite of what I am. For reals, I have rarely seen this much life in one person. She loves to sing, to dance, to write, to laugh, to read, to talk, to drink red wine, and to draw. And she does ALL of those things when she is not studying or teaching one of three math classes she is in charge of. Oh... and she hates being alone, so sometimes, while I'm at the library, she texts me to tell me that she has made dinner and that she wants me to come home, because she is bored!!!

I always think that's funny. But at the same time, she is not high maintenance. You know I have issues with needy people. Since her schedule is a lot busier than mine, I get my time off. And sometimes, when she realizes that I'm no longer listening to her (it happens sometimes when she comes home all excited and I'm trying to get some homework done, but she keeps talking for over half an hour), she simply leaves the room laughing and says she'll come back later.

I love that girl! But one of the greatest things about having her as a roommate his her writing. She is one of the most talented people I've ever met. She writes so beautifully, that sometimes it gives me chills. When she reads me some of her shorts stories, I can feel, smell, and see everything that she is describing. Once in a while, before I go to bed, she offers to read me one of her stories: I feel like a little girl once again. I remember all the times my dad used to invent all those crazy stories. Sometimes they were so scary that I would beg him to stop. But the important part was that I spending time with him. Ah... Growing up! What a tragedy!

Oh, and I must not forget that I've rarely seen someone laughing so much at the stupid things I do or say on a daily basis. Once, she laughed so much at something I said that she started crying... and kept on laughing, until I thought the joke wasn't funny anymore.... She kept laughing. Makes me feel better some days to know that I not only funny to myself, but to a selected group of individual to.

So that was the first thing I wanted to talk about. You can stop reading if you want... The second thing is my NYC Opera experience. On Saturday, I went to see La Boheme of Puccini at the New York City Opera with Dana and Florin, a couple from Romania. There were four acts to the play. During the first act, we see the two main characters fall in love after talking (singing) about each other and their perception of life for about 10 minutes each. Now, I have to say that the singing was outstanding... but man! Who is going to make me believe that you can fall in love after 20 minutes??? Nobody! I almost felt like getting up and yelling: "Liars!!!! Give me my money back!!!" But I soon remembered where I was, so I restrained myself. But, in order to forget about this outrage, I started looking at the people playing the instruments in the little box at the bottom, under the stage: the orchestra. I started thinking about what would happen if one of the bass players dropped that big guitar they play. I mean, really! They are so close to one another that it probably will have a domino effect... I would like to see that one day. It think it would be funny. But anyway...

Between the second and third acts, they had an intermission, and Florin and I started talking about how hungry we were: describing our favorite meals and all. I mean it was sad. The more we were talking, the more hungry I got. We agreed to find a nice steakhouse after the show... Well, you better believe how ANGRY I was when they had another intermission between the third and fourth acts!!!! Madness!!! At that point I was starving and my stomach was singing with the performers on stage. And despite the fact that I was all the way in the "nosebleed", I know that one of the bass players heard me because at one point, I almost sure that I say him looking up, outraged, and practically dropping his instrument...

Shaneekwa was about to be put to sleep...

For those who were wondering what happened with Shaneekwa, that piece of work... Well, she was protected by the ethical laws of academia which made it impossible for me to knock her out when I had the chance to today.

Shaneekwa made a scene at the end of class today. Only at the end of the class, because the other students started to roll their eyes when she started complaining at the beginning of class. I told her to come see me after class. I don't know how I managed not to slap her.
I really did all I could to remain calm, and I did a pretty good job at it. Can you believe that this fool had the nerves to YELL at me. Yelling at me like we were members of the same family. At that point, I told her: "Shaneekwa, do not yell at me. Shaneekwa, do not yell at me, Shaneekwa, do not yell at me, Shaneekwa, do NOT yell at me..." Only very few of you have seen me when I get REALLY angry. Not when I pretend to be all upset. No, when I am pissed off. To the point of repeating the same thing over and over again, just to calm myself down.... I think Aaron Alsop and Lindsay Luc have seen like that...

While, I was trying to hypnotize my anger, Shaneekwa was STILL yelling at me, telling that I was an unprofessional professor, because I hadn't taken the time to sit with her to read the syllabus. I had to do the best not to curse... I simply smiled and asked her if it was her first semester in college. She said, still yelling,: "NO, it's not my first semester in college."
- What do you want me to do, Shaneekwa? Read the whole thing with you?
- Well, no since I read it this weekend. Too late for that.

- I don't mean to be mean or anything, but since when is it my responsibility to sit down and read the syllabus with you? Since when do I have to not collect homework because you just don't have it? Do you understand that getting the materiel for class is YOUR responsibility? I understand that you are a commuter, but so is half the people of both classes I teach. I understand that you live with your grandma and that you don't have the internet. I understand that you feel like you don't have the money to buy the workbook. But at the end of the day, what do you want me to do? The requirements are the same for everyone, and you had enough time before that assignment was due to inform me of your situation."

But she was not listening... She kept yelling. Now, mind you, the whole time, I was still smiling, and keeping my cool. But, because she was still trying to swallow me with her big mouth (and now, this is coming from me, so you can only imagine), I had to put her back in her place for a minute: "Shaneekwa, I am very polite and calm with you, while you are persisting on yelling at me. Let me remind you, in case you had forgotten, that I am neither your mother, nor your little sister. I am not your friend. I am your professor. By the tone of my voice and my simple explanations, we can still assume that I respect you. Therefore, you will give me the respect I deserve." She answered: "I know you ain't my mom. And YOU will respect me, by providing me the help I want." That's when I said: "You need to go complain to the dean, because I no longer have time for you. I had office hours this morning"

She kept yelling as she walked out of class, and I was shaking of anger. I had another class to teach in 15 minutes, and I had no clue how to calm down. Now, anyone looking at me would not have guessed how PISSED I was, because I was still smiling. I said a few curse words, that I will not list, but I was still letting my pearls shine.

I ran up to my course supervisor, and she met with the student. Put her back in her place, but was still nice enough to make copies of her own manual (first and second chapters) for that student. Oh! Did I forget to mention to you that I had emailed her to offer to lend her my workbook so she could make copies?

But you know what is the best part of the story??? At the end of the day, I am still her teacher, and she still has to deal with me twice a week. And the VERY best part is that I am STILL grading her assignment.

Shaneekwa was almost put to sleep today, but I hope she realizes that has made the worse mistake so far: making me unwilling to help, and alienating herself from the other students. This is going to be a long semester for Shaneekwa and myself... But I still run the show, which is more than we can say about poor, poor, ignorant Shaneekwa.

Perhaps, it would be better for her to sleep in class, because I don't foresee any good grade coming out of that situation... Anyway... her test was a good proof. Since 15% is participation: she is never ready, and never has her homework done, and... Oh yeah! She made the damning mistake of yelling at me... I ran into the Dean after my second class, he was laughing at the whole thing, and said: "So I heard Professor Mullen-Hohl made some copies for her... That girl is lucky she wasn't dealing with me."

Since I go to a Catholic school, and can say: "Virgin Marie, pray for her."